poitically correct/or not as the case maybe!!!

Politically Correct (PC) Terms:

A Criminal - unsavory character

A Crook - morally (ethically) challenged

Abortion - Near-Life Experience

Alcoholic - Anti-Sobriety Activist

Alive - temporarily metabolically abled.

An Immigrant - a newcomer

Assassination - involuntary term limitation

Bald - comb-free

Bald - folically independent

Bald - follicularly challenged.

Battle Fatigued - shellshocked

Blind - optically darker

Blind - photonically non-receptive

Blind - visually challenged

Body Odor - nondiscretionary fragrance.

Broken Down Automobile - mechanically challenged

Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family

Bum - Displaced Homeowner

Bum - Homeless Person

Bum - Involuntarily Domiciled

Cannibalism - Intra-Species Dining

Censorship - Selective Speech

Cheating - Academic Dishonesty

China - Porcelain

Chronically Late - Temporarily Challenged

Clumsy - uniquely coordinated

Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper

Computer Illiterate - Technologically Challenged

Corpse - Permanently Static Post-Human Mass

Corpse / Stiff - Metabolically Challenged

Corpse / Stiff - Terminally Inconvenienced

Cowardly - Challenge Challenged

Cowboys - bovine control officers

Crackpot - certified astrological consultant, certified crystal therapist, or certified past-life regression hypnotist

Crime Rate - street activity index

Dead - Actuarially Mature

Dead - biologically challenged

Dead - environmentally correct human

Dead - living impaired

Dead - metabolically challenged

Dead - persons living with entropy

Deaf - Visually Oriented

Delicatessen - Corpse Farm

Dirty Old Man - sexually focused chronologically gifted individual

Dish Washer - utensil sanitizer

Dishonest - Ethically disoriented.

Dorm - Residence Hall

Drooling Drunk Idiot - person on floor

Drowning - aquatically challenged

Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged

Drunk - spacially perplexed

Drunk / Junkie - in recovery

Earthquake - geological correction

Fail - achieve a deficiency.

Fat - Differently Weighted

Fat - gravitationally challenged

Fat - horizontally challenged.

Fat - horizontally gifted

Fat - People of Mass

Fat - person of substance

Fictional / Mythological - ontologically challenged

Freshman - first-year student

Frog - amphibian American

Full of Crap - fecally plenary

Gang - Youth Group

Garbage Man - sanitation engineer

Gas Station Attendent - petroleum transfer technician

Geek, Nerd, whatever... - socially challenged

Ghetto / Barrio - Ethnically Homogenous Area

Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh

Handicapped - Differently Abled, Handi-Capable

Having PMS - cyclically challenged

Hearing Person - temporarily aurally abled

Homeless - outdoor urban dwellers

Homeless - residentially flexible

Homelessness - Mortgage-Free Living

Housebroken - Family Disfunction

Housewife - domestic engineer

Hunter - Animal Assassin

Hunter - Bambi Butcher

Hunter - Meat Mercenary

Ignorant - factually unencumbered

Ignorant - knowledge-based nonpossessor.

Incompetent - Differently Qualified

Incompetent - Specially Skilled

Incompetent - Uniquely Proficient

Insane People - Mental Explorers

Insane People - Selectively Perceptive

Insult - Emotional Rape

Janitor - sanitation engineer

Klutz - kinesthetically challenged

Large Nose - nasally gifted

Lazy - motivationally dispossessed

Lazy - motivationally deficient.

Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

Library - Educational Resource Center

Logger - Wood Weasel

Logger - Paper Pirate

Logger -Treeslayer

Loser - Second Place

Loser - uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path

Man-hole - maintenance hole

Mankind - humankind

MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children

Mercy Killing - Euthanasia

Mercy Killing - Putting Down/To Sleep/Out of Misery

Messy - differently organized

Meter Maid - Parking enforcer

Midget / Dwarf - Little People

Midget / Dwarf - Vertically Challenged

Mute/Dumb - verbally challenged

Not with somebody at the moment - romantically challenged -

Off - energy-efficient

Old - chronologically gifted

Old Person / Elderly - Gerontologically Advanced

Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens

Panhandler - Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.

Paper Bag - processed tree carcass

Perverted - Sexually dysfunctional.

Pimp-mobile / Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option

Plagiarism - Previously Owned Prose

Po' - financially inept

Policeman, Policewoman - law inforcement officer

Poor - economically marginalized

Poor - Economically Unprepared

Poor - monetarily challenged

Postman - letter carrier

Pregnant - parasitically oppressed.

Prisoner - client of the correctional system

Prostitute - sex care provider

Psychobabble - constructivist feminist psychotherapy

Psychopath - socially misaligned

Racist - genetically discriminating

Really Big Nosed - nasally disadvantaged

Redneck - person of region

Redneck - rustically inclined

Refugees - asylum seekers

Road Kill - Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form

Rudeness - Tact Avoidance

Runny Nose - nasally gifted

Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim

Serial-Killer - Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

Shoplifter - Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist

Short - vertically challenged

Sighted Person - temporarily visually abled

Slum - Economic Oppression Zone

Slut - suffering from a sex addiction (female)

Someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone - morally handicapped

Spendthrift - negative saver.

Stained - creatively re-dyed

Steward, Stewardess - flight attendant

Stoned - Chemically inconvenienced.

Stud - suffering from a sex addiction (male)

Stupid - differently-brained

Stupid - intellectually impaired

The Elderly - Senior citizens

Thin - horizontally challenged

Thirsty - osmotically challenged

Tone Deaf - musically delayed

Too old/young - other aged

Too Tall - people of height

Tree-Hugger - environmental activist

Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units

Ugly - aesthetically challenged

Ugly - Cosmetically different.

Ugly - facially challenged

Unemployed - Involuntarily leisured.

Used Books - Recycled Books

Vagrant - Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

Vegetable - noble unconscious hero

Vice President - Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World

Vocal Minority - target equity group

Vomiting - Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices

Waiter, Waitress - food server

War-Monger - Peacekeeper, patriot

Welfare Bum - economically disadvantaged

Whaler - Blubber Lover

White - melanin-impoverished

White American - racially challenged

White Boy - rhythmically challenged

White Trash - caucasian culturally-disadvantaged

Wife - unpaid sex slave

Worst - least best.

Wrong - differently logical.





Politically Correct Terms For Females:

Her breasts will never sag, they will lose their vertical hold.

She does not get drunk, she is accidentally over served or she becomes verbally dyslexic.

She does not get PMS, she becomes hormonally homicidal.

She does not hate sports on TV, she is athletically biased.

She does not have a great butt, she is gluteus to the maximus.

She does not have a hard body, she is anatomically inflexible.

She does not have a killer body, she is terminally attractive.

She does not have big hair, she is overly aerosoled.

She does not have big hooters, her cups runneth over.

She does not have great cleavage or a great rack, her breasts are centrally located.

She does not have sexy lips, she is collagen dependent.

She does not shave her legs, she experiences temporary stubble reduction.

She does not shop too much, she is overly susceptible to marketing ploys.

She does not snore, she is nasally repetitive.

She does not sun bathe, she experiences solar enhancement.

She does not wear too much makeup, she is cosmetically oversaturated.

She does not work out too much, she is an abdominal overachiever.

She does not: Get Drunk, She becomes Verbally Dyslexic

She is not a bad cook, she is microwave compatible.

She is not a bad driver, she is automotively challenged.

She is not A Gossip, She is a Verbal Terminator

She is not a gossip, she is a verbal terminator.

She is not a Perfect 10, she is numerically superior.

She is not cold or frigid, she is thermally incompatible.

She is not easy, she is horizontally accessible.

She is not hooked on soap operas, she is melodramatically fixated.

She is not too skinny, she is skeletally prominent.

She will never gain weight, she will become a metabolic underachiever.

You do not ask her to dance, you request a precoital rhythmic experience.





Politically Correct Terms For Males:

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative

He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed

He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia

He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated

He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy

He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist

You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have a: Introspective pornographic moment

He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged

He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection

He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development

He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations

He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression

You do not: Buy him a drink You initiate an: Alcohol-For-Conversation exchange

He does not: Fart and belch He is: Gastronomically expressive

His jeans are not: Too tight He is: Anatomically under circulated

He is not a: Redneck He is a: Genetically-related American

You do not: Kiss him You become: Facially conjoined

He is not a: Cradle robber He prefers: Generationally differential relationships

He does not get: Falling down drunk He becomes: Accidentally horizontal

He does not: Act like a total jerk He develops a: Case of rectal-cranial inversion

He is not: Short He is: Anatomically compact

He does not have a: Rich daddy He is a: Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion

He does not: Constantly talk about cars He has a: Vehicular addiction

He does not have a: Hot body He is: Physically combustible





Politically Correct Phrases For Students:

No one fails a class any more, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded any more. They merely "hit social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

It's not called gossip any more. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."





Politically Correct Terms For Cat Owners:

My cat does not barf hairballs he is a floor/rug redecorator

My cat does not break things she helps gravity do its job

My cat does not fear dogs they are merely sprint practice tools

My cat does not gobble she eats with alacrity

My cat does not scratch he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator

My cat does not yowl he is singing off-key

My cat is not a "shedding machine" she is a hair relocation stylist

My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile" she enjoys the proximity of food

My cat is not a bed hog he is a mattress appreciator

My cat is not a chatterbox she is advising me on what to do next

My cat is not a dope addict she is catnip appreciative

My cat is not a lap fungus he is bed selective

My cat is not a pest she is attention deprived

My cat is not a ruthless hunter she is a wildlife control expert

My cat is not evil she is badness enhanced

My cat is not fat he is mass enhanced

My cat is not hydrophobic she has an inability to appreciate moisture

My cat is not lazy he is motivationally challenged

My cat is not underfoot she is leading me to my next destination (the food dish!)





'Twas The (Politically Correct)

Night Before Christmas:

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.



Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.



So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!



The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.



Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."



And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.



So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.



And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.



Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.



Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.



No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.



For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.



No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.



So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.



He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.



Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;



Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."



Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to

distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All

follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should

be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays!





Politically Correct Seasons Greetings:

Christmas Thoughts



Please accept with no obligation,

implied or implicit our best wishes for

an environmentally conscious,

socially responsible, low stress,

non-addictive, gender neutral,

celebration of the winter solstice

holiday, practiced within the most

enjoyable traditions of the religious

persuasion of your choice, or secular

practices of your choice, with respect

for the religious/secular persuasions

and/or traditions of others, or their

choice not to practice religious or

secular traditions at all ...



and a fiscally successful,

personally fulfilling, and medically

uncomplicated recognition of the onset

of the generally accepted calendar

year _______, but not without due respect

for the calendars of choice of other

cultures whose contributions to

society have helped make America great,

(not to imply that America is necessarily

greater than any other country or is

the only "AMERICA" in the western

hemisphere), and without regard to the

race, creed, color, age, physical ability,

religious faith, choice of computer platform,

or sexual preference of the wishee.



- DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTABILITY -



(By accepting this greeting,

you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to

clarification or withdrawal. It is freely

transferable with no alteration to the

original greeting. It implies no

promise by the wisher to actually

implement any of the wishes for

her/himself or others, and is

void where prohibited by law, and is

revocable at the sole discretion of

the wisher. This wish is warranted

to perform as expected within the

usual application of good tidings

for a period of one year, or until the

issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,

whichever comes first, and warranty is

limited to replacement of this wish

or issuance of a new wish at the

sole discretion of the wisher.)