jokes

Sunday afternoon awaiting the World Cup Final, bored, weather crap, soooo found some jokes a mate emailed me so thought i would post them

You'll enjoy this.
I have never quite worked out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have worked out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head /dick and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One night last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up but she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping in Selfridges .I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one sandwich short of a picnic. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, baby ." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, you know what, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "baby listen! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm cleverer than her.


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did that and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out."I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM???!!!

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer:>>> >Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed


A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.His horse has already died of thirst.He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear."Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes.""I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy.
"I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!
"The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.
"***POOF***The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.""My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.
"***POOF***The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.
"***POOF***He turned into a tampon.The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached