Lipstick, Powder and Paint

Life, as seen through the eyes of Helen the Midget Arse.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

my best friend




this is my best friend she is 10 years old and still thinks she is a puppy
her name is Libby and when we went to see her she was the cutest out of the litter of 10 adorable 
puppies and we were the 1st ones to see them all so we got the pick of the litter 

she loves christmas as we always wrap her presents up and she loves to rip the paper off and play with her new toys

she is very sensitive to our moods when we feel sad she will come and sit with her head on our knee and the look in her eyes says it all, she is still very playful and loves her walkies but we can't take her as far now as she is getting old 
bit like me really haaa haa

Friday, August 25, 2006

FREAKY FRIDAY .........FROG JUICE



A tank filled with frogs which will be used to prepare frog juice is seen at a market in San Juan de Lurigancho, Lima, August 16, 2006. The drink is popular with working-class Peruvians who believe it can cure illnessess ranging from fatigue to sexual impotency.


Anyone one fancy trying frog juice ???? maybe i should then i wont feel so tired ......somehow i don't think my stomach could take it yuk yuk yuk

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

ok who invented the bluddy computer????



 Sobs i could not get online yesterday everything on my lap top was working ,the wireless connection was fine soo why would it not connect to ORANGE after several phone calls to technical support and getting nowhere fast, i finally handed the phone over to our dear Piggy hmmmmm finally got through again to technical support, waste of time they could not help GRRRRRR bluddy useless so there i was no internet no 
checking blogs no reading emails no chatting to friends sighhhhhhhhh boring

Anyway ( piggy's fave word) i rang again this morning and spoke to a very nice gentleman so went through various things with me on my lap top and then suggested i tried something else .......and hey presto it worked ...........errrrr why didnt they suggest that yesterday !!!!!

who needs computers !!!!!

Monday, August 21, 2006

BIG BROTHER


Yes it is all over the winner of big brother 2006 was PETE , a worthy winner if ever there was one 
Pete suffers from Tourettes syndrome so of course he tends to swear a lot , he has really made people understand more about it with him appearing on the show
Well done Pete, well done Glyn who came second he was brill too
 

Thursday, August 17, 2006

im bored

ok I am bored bored bored and more bluddy bored grrrrrrrrrrr

i have read 2 books this week watched rubbish on telly chatted to idiots on msn 

been to the doc's that was an ordeal, got another 3 weeks off work

they have advertised for temp staff to cover while i am ill grrrrrrrr

the weather is crap been thundering for a couple of hours

i want to sit in the garden in the sun .......all we got is bluddy cloud!!!

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

tut
grumps
grrrrrr
bugger
damn
blast
sod

cant have a glass of wine coz of the tablets grrrr grrrr and more grrrrrr's

sick of drinking tea and coffee

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPP

anyone got sensible ideas of what i can do ............and don't suggest Knitting its boring and i
can't do it !!!!
i wont do it
dont wanna do it

spits dummy out

throws teddy out of pram

stamps feet

gawd im worn out now


BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED errrrr am i bored????

lays down and rests weary head for a while ..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



Wednesday, August 16, 2006

are these for real?




 

Sunday, August 13, 2006

where's summer gone?

Ok who has pinched the sun? it is more like October here ,windy and wet and cold grrrrrr 
i want the sun back i need to top up my tan

oh and sorry guys haa haa for the other postings i was bored!!!

 

Saturday, August 12, 2006

computer virus

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.



AIRBAG VIRUS - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.



AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.



Al Gore Virus - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.



ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.





APPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.



ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!



Arnold Schwarzenegger virus v 2.0 - Now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature's computers.



AT&T VIRUS - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.



Bill Clinton Virus v 1.0 - It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.



Bill Clinton Virus v 2.0 - It tells you it's executing any program you want, whether or not it's on your computer.



Bill Clinton Virus v 3.0 - Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.



Bill Clinton Virus v 4.0 - Mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.



Bill Clinton Virus v 5.0- Promises to give equal time to all processes- 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This Virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.



Bill Clinton virus v 6.0 - Automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser's list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections...to any URL...because since it didn't transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn't really connected.



BILL GATES VIRUS - This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.



Bin Laden (aka Al Qaeda) virus - displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George W. Bush virus.



Birthday Virus - Keeps advancing your clock by another year.



BOB DOLE VIRUS - Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.



Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.



Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.



CHILD VIRUS - It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.



CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 1.0 - It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.



Congressional Virus v 2.0 - Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.



Congressional Virus v 3.0 - Overdraws your disk space.



Couch Potato Virus - Just sits there, eating chips all day.



DEMOCRAT VIRUS - Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".



DIET VIRUS - Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.



DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.



DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.



DONALD TRUMP VIRUS - Harmless unless you use online banking.



ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS v 1.0 - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.



Ellen Degeneres Virus v 2.0 - Disks can no longer be inserted.



Elvis Virus - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.



Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.



Federal Reserve Virus - Affects performance of CDs.



Firestone Viruses - Causes mouse to explode after 10,000 miles. Flying toasters actually fly off your screen saver. Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.



Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.



French virus - garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, "I surrender!" and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George W. Bush virus, slowing it down.



Gallup Poll Virus - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).



GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.



George W. Bush virus v 1.0 - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.



George W. Bush virus v 2.0 - Tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange.



GERALDO RIVERA VIRUS - Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE.



GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.



Gridlock Virus - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.



HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.



HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

Hillary Clinton virus v 2.0 - sets the "hidden" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008.



HOWARD STERN VIRUS - One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.



HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.



IRS Audit Virus - It comes in with very little warning, digs through all your files then sells all your worldly possessions on Ebay, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.



JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.



Jerry Springer Virus - Appears on your screen and says it has something to tell you and you may not like it.



Jesse Jackson virus - warns you repeatedly not to reproduce illegitimate files, but meanwhile, it's reproducing illegitimate files in the background. And if you don't have a color monitor displaying 32-bit true color, it floods your screen with icons and threatens to shut down your computer.



Jiminy Cricket Virus - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.



Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.



Johnny Cochran Virus - (Often accompanied by one or more of the O.J. Viruses.) If it has no RISC, you must FDISK.



Joke Virus - poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.



Kafka Virus - Your operating system gradually metamorphosizes into a big hairy bug.



Ken Starr Virus v 1.0 - Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.



KEN STARR VIRUS v 2.0 - Developed in early 1990's at considerable government expense. Claims to be working on one task but can quickly switch functions when the first process bogs down. Only operates on US government computers at this time. Tends to diminish effectiveness of more important programs by hogging most CPU cycles with infinite loops.



Kevorkian Virus - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.



LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."



Left-Wing-Drivel Virus - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.



Linux Virus - Causes the computer to hang for several days while it tracks down hardware drivers, networking how-to's, and window managers. Then it quits, saying that if you had better programming skills, your hard drive would be wiped by now.



MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.



Mario Cuomo Virus - It would be a great Virus, but it refuses to run.



MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.



MCI Virus v 1.0 - Encourages you to send it to your friends and family.



MCI VIRUS v 1.0 - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.



Michael Jackson Virus v 1.0 - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.



MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 2.0 - It preys on child processors.



MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 3.0 - It's BAD. Computer freaks out when you put flame or Pepsi next to it. Some people think it's identical to the Latoya Jackson virus because they have both never been seen together.



MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.



MILITIA VIRUS - Wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.



Mom Virus - Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website.



Monica Lewinsky Virus v 1.0 - It sucks the juice out of your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails everyone about what it did. This later activates the Independent Counsel virus.



MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS v 2.0 - A low level virus that enters restricted parts of your file system 36 times yet there's no record of its activity. When it runs, it has no improper relationship with your computer's executive software yet its effectiveness is somehow diminished.



MORAL MAJORITY VIRUS - This modest virus claimed great influence in the 1980's, but fell behind in features and upgrades and was finally abandoned by it's developers.



MTV's "The Real World" Virus - Replaces your default Windows sounds with excruciating Gen-X whining and bitching.



NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN (NOW) VIRUS - Forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.



NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO VIRUS - This virus design used to be quite influential and innovative when it's original release was publicly funded. After Government funding cuts yanked it's teeth, the designers sold out to corporate interests and it no longer affects your data much.



NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS - Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.



NEWT GINGRICH VIRUS - It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the 'Right' partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the 'left' partition, it terminates and restarts to continue its work as a background process.



NIKE VIRUS - Just does it.



O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS v 1.0 - It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.



O.J. Simpson Virus v 2.0 (Often accompanied by the Johnny Cochran Virus.) – You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.



Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.



Pat Buchanan Virus v 1.0 - Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.



PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS v 2.0 - Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.



Pat Buchanan Virus v 3.0 - Splits an otherwise healthy hard drive into two meaningless parts. Don't worry -- it affects less than 1% of computers and isn't likely to spread at all.



PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.



PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.



Pokemon Virus - Sucks up all your money and only renders 3rd rate animation.



POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 1.0 - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."



POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 2.0 - Rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".



Ponzi Virus - It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers $1 into the accounts of the owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches itself to the next 10 items of mail you send.



POPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS - Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.



Pornography Virus - Consumes all available hard drive space, but leaves the computer's owner with a warm sense of contented well-being.



PRO-CHOICE VIRUS - Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.



Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.



Public Transportation Virus - Makes your browser stop at every website.



Quantum Leap Virus - One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo.



Ralph Nader Virus - Not harmful per se, but perfectly willing to let your system crash just to "teach you a lesson."



Regis Philbin Virus - Will not complete display of algorithm results until CPU confirms that's its final answer.



REPUBLICAN VIRUS - Sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.



Richard Nixon Virus - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Popular in China.



RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS - Deletes FAT table.



Right to Life Virus v 1.0 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. Prints, “Oh, no, you don't!”, whenever you choose Abort from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.



Right-To-Life Virus v 2.0 - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.



Right-Wing-Hardliner Virus - Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.



RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS - Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.



David Duke Virus - Makes your screen go completely white.



RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS v 1.0 - Probably the most dangerous virus we've ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, than eats them. It's so stupid you don't take it seriously until it's too late.



RUSH LIMBOUGH VIRUS v 2.0 - This virus produces an amplified, continuous, babbling sound in Dolby Stereo as it grows to fill all available space on your hard disk. Fortunately, its virulence is low as it has difficulty finding willing code fragments that will support its replication.



SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS v 1.0 - This virus, first developed in the software labs of Western democracies, attacks its closest neighbors first and then fragments to hide it's most virulent components in the hidden folders of your disk drive. As a defense mechanism, it claims that commercial virus detection software insults its national dignity.



Saddam Hussein Virus v 2.0 - Won't let you into any of your programs.



Saddam Hussein virus v 3.0 - spawned other viruses and was believed to create Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD). Some of the spawned viruses are still in existence but are gradually being eradicated by the George W. Bush virus. PMDs spawned by the Saddam Hussein virus, if they exist, have yet to be found because they have the "hidden" attribute set. The Saddam Hussein virus wasn't seen for a long time because of the rapid spread of the George Bush virus. At the end of 2003, the George Bush virus found every instance of the Saddam Hussein virus, which was discovered to have mutated into a harmless, ugly graphic hiding in the Trash/Recycle Bin.



SEARS VIRUS - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.



SHARON STONE VIRUS - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.



Slacker Virus - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.



SONNY BONO VIRUS - Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.



SPICE GIRL VIRUS - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.



Sprint Virus - Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping.



STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.



Stephen King Virus - It wipes a fifth of your hard drive, then tells you that if enough people send in a dollar, it will destroy the rest in some surprising, exciting way.



Survivor Viruses - Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.



Tech Stock Virus - At the slightest hint of an error, plays a screaming panic sound and shuts down your computer.



TED KENNEDY VIRUS - It drives your files into the bitstream, crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.



TED TURNER VIRUS - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.



TEENAGER VIRUS - Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.



TEXAS VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.



Tiger Woods Viruses - Assumes pre-eminence over other applications, which are left to operate at consistently humiliating performance levels. Beats you in every computer game you play.



TIM ALLEN VIRUS - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.



Tipper Gore Virus - When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.



Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down. You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.



TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS - It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.



Tonya Harding Viruses - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. Your

CD-ROM drive randomly ejects in an attempt to bash your knee.



U.N. virus - Annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options "OK, Cancel, Ignore." Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything.



Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure

on your zip drive. Turns your 3.5" floppy into a hard drive.



WARREN BEATTY VIRUS - Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.



Wonderbra Virus - Results in overflow stack.



WOODY ALLEN VIRUS - Bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.



X-FILES VIRUS - All your icons start shape-shifting.



=====================================================



Listed below are some older, lessor known viruses that still pose a threat:



=================================================================



ALLEN GINSBURG VIRUS - Seemed to come from nowhere. Extremely virulent, yet ineffectual. Attempts to invade all file systems of worldwide media organizations at once. Generates copious, conflicting press reports via an advanced randomly-parsing syntax generator developed by California hackers. Frequently found to have infiltrated expensive Washington restaurants.



Anita Hill Virus - Lies dormant for ten years.



BARBARA BUSH VIRUS - One of the ugliest viruses we've seen in years, but

seems to have a nice disposition and does little damage.



Billy Graham Virus - When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.



Chicago Cubs Virus - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it!



COLIN POWELL VIRUS - Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.



DAN QUAYLE VIRUS v 1.0 - Thers sumthin rong wit yur kompueter, butt ewe jsut cant figyour out watt.



Dan Quayle Virus v 2.0 - Forces your computer to play "PGA TOUR" from 10-00am to 4-00pm six days a week.



GEORGE BUSH (Sr.) VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, 'Read my docs....No new files!' on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.



Gray Davis virus - caused computer programs throughout California to require more computer resources (memory, hard disk space, network bandwidth, etc.) than were available, even though the state's computer resources had increased significantly. The result was monumental havoc and a great outcry by the populace. The Gray Davis virus has not been seen since the appearance of the Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.



Hans Blix virus - is a derivative of the U.N. virus. It tells you it's going to inspect your computer for viruses, but then it just creates all sorts of text files filled with bureaucratic drivel, all the while displaying messages saying it needs more time. It never finds any viruses. The quickest cure for this virus is the George Bush virus.



IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS v 1.0 - Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through AOL.



IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS v 2.0 - After depleting your bank account, returns to infect you again! Little footprints appear all over your screen, blocking out information. Unlimited shoe styles.



JIMMY SWAGGERT VIRUS - When caught, it begs for your forgiveness and to be released.



JOEY BUTTAFUACO VIRUS - It only enters minor files.



KITTY KELLEY VIRUS - A particularly nasty infection. It locates your personal files, activates your modem and spreads the dirt around to all the BBS's you usually call. Embarrassing.



LEONA HELMSLEY VIRUS - Deletes files smaller than it is.

Marcia Clark Virus - Asks for more time every time you give a command.



LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - It turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.. . then discards it through Windows.



LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS #2 - Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.



OLLIE NORTH VIRUS v 1.0 - Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.



OLLIE NORTH VIRUS v 2.0 - Plays patriotic audio clips while it shreds your files.



ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.



RODNEY KING VIRUS - Just sits there, but when it is detected you'd swear the virus scanner was demolishing your entire system.



RONALD REAGAN VIRUS v 1.0- It puts your hard drive to sleep. If detected, it claims it doesn't remember being there.



Ronald Reagan Virus v 2.0 - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.



ROSANNE BARR VIRUS - Plays the National Anthem at boot-up. Even worse with a sound card.



ROSS PEROT VIRUS v 1.0 - Runs for awhile, leaves the system, then re-appears, but with less effect.



ROSS PEROT VIRUS v 2.0 - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.



ROSS PEROT VIRUS v 3.0 - After several years, the damage caused by this little virus is still unclear. It often displays impressive graphics which have little relevance to the users interests or needs.



SUPREME COURT VIRUS - It allows your system to abort files, with major

restrictions.



THE PRISON VIRUS - It locks up your system.



TIP O'NEIL VIRUS - It sits in the background, consuming bytes until it's too

fat to exit.



Tom Daschle virus - blocks your computer from doing anything right.



Uday (aka Odai) and Qusay (aka Qusai) viruses - Were mutations of the Saddam Hussein virus. Both of these viruses destroyed files, but the Uday virus also displayed pornographic images. Both of these viruses were completely eliminated by the spread of the George W. Bush virus.



Warren Commission Virus - Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.



WATERGATE VIRUS - Erases 18 minutes off your tape backup.



WILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH VIRUS - It strips your files, manipulates your data

and denies anything ever happened; and gets away with it

 

poitically correct/or not as the case maybe!!!

Politically Correct (PC) Terms:

A Criminal - unsavory character

A Crook - morally (ethically) challenged

Abortion - Near-Life Experience

Alcoholic - Anti-Sobriety Activist

Alive - temporarily metabolically abled.

An Immigrant - a newcomer

Assassination - involuntary term limitation

Bald - comb-free

Bald - folically independent

Bald - follicularly challenged.

Battle Fatigued - shellshocked

Blind - optically darker

Blind - photonically non-receptive

Blind - visually challenged

Body Odor - nondiscretionary fragrance.

Broken Down Automobile - mechanically challenged

Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family

Bum - Displaced Homeowner

Bum - Homeless Person

Bum - Involuntarily Domiciled

Cannibalism - Intra-Species Dining

Censorship - Selective Speech

Cheating - Academic Dishonesty

China - Porcelain

Chronically Late - Temporarily Challenged

Clumsy - uniquely coordinated

Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper

Computer Illiterate - Technologically Challenged

Corpse - Permanently Static Post-Human Mass

Corpse / Stiff - Metabolically Challenged

Corpse / Stiff - Terminally Inconvenienced

Cowardly - Challenge Challenged

Cowboys - bovine control officers

Crackpot - certified astrological consultant, certified crystal therapist, or certified past-life regression hypnotist

Crime Rate - street activity index

Dead - Actuarially Mature

Dead - biologically challenged

Dead - environmentally correct human

Dead - living impaired

Dead - metabolically challenged

Dead - persons living with entropy

Deaf - Visually Oriented

Delicatessen - Corpse Farm

Dirty Old Man - sexually focused chronologically gifted individual

Dish Washer - utensil sanitizer

Dishonest - Ethically disoriented.

Dorm - Residence Hall

Drooling Drunk Idiot - person on floor

Drowning - aquatically challenged

Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged

Drunk - spacially perplexed

Drunk / Junkie - in recovery

Earthquake - geological correction

Fail - achieve a deficiency.

Fat - Differently Weighted

Fat - gravitationally challenged

Fat - horizontally challenged.

Fat - horizontally gifted

Fat - People of Mass

Fat - person of substance

Fictional / Mythological - ontologically challenged

Freshman - first-year student

Frog - amphibian American

Full of Crap - fecally plenary

Gang - Youth Group

Garbage Man - sanitation engineer

Gas Station Attendent - petroleum transfer technician

Geek, Nerd, whatever... - socially challenged

Ghetto / Barrio - Ethnically Homogenous Area

Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh

Handicapped - Differently Abled, Handi-Capable

Having PMS - cyclically challenged

Hearing Person - temporarily aurally abled

Homeless - outdoor urban dwellers

Homeless - residentially flexible

Homelessness - Mortgage-Free Living

Housebroken - Family Disfunction

Housewife - domestic engineer

Hunter - Animal Assassin

Hunter - Bambi Butcher

Hunter - Meat Mercenary

Ignorant - factually unencumbered

Ignorant - knowledge-based nonpossessor.

Incompetent - Differently Qualified

Incompetent - Specially Skilled

Incompetent - Uniquely Proficient

Insane People - Mental Explorers

Insane People - Selectively Perceptive

Insult - Emotional Rape

Janitor - sanitation engineer

Klutz - kinesthetically challenged

Large Nose - nasally gifted

Lazy - motivationally dispossessed

Lazy - motivationally deficient.

Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

Library - Educational Resource Center

Logger - Wood Weasel

Logger - Paper Pirate

Logger -Treeslayer

Loser - Second Place

Loser - uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path

Man-hole - maintenance hole

Mankind - humankind

MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children

Mercy Killing - Euthanasia

Mercy Killing - Putting Down/To Sleep/Out of Misery

Messy - differently organized

Meter Maid - Parking enforcer

Midget / Dwarf - Little People

Midget / Dwarf - Vertically Challenged

Mute/Dumb - verbally challenged

Not with somebody at the moment - romantically challenged -

Off - energy-efficient

Old - chronologically gifted

Old Person / Elderly - Gerontologically Advanced

Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens

Panhandler - Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.

Paper Bag - processed tree carcass

Perverted - Sexually dysfunctional.

Pimp-mobile / Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option

Plagiarism - Previously Owned Prose

Po' - financially inept

Policeman, Policewoman - law inforcement officer

Poor - economically marginalized

Poor - Economically Unprepared

Poor - monetarily challenged

Postman - letter carrier

Pregnant - parasitically oppressed.

Prisoner - client of the correctional system

Prostitute - sex care provider

Psychobabble - constructivist feminist psychotherapy

Psychopath - socially misaligned

Racist - genetically discriminating

Really Big Nosed - nasally disadvantaged

Redneck - person of region

Redneck - rustically inclined

Refugees - asylum seekers

Road Kill - Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form

Rudeness - Tact Avoidance

Runny Nose - nasally gifted

Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim

Serial-Killer - Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

Shoplifter - Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist

Short - vertically challenged

Sighted Person - temporarily visually abled

Slum - Economic Oppression Zone

Slut - suffering from a sex addiction (female)

Someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone - morally handicapped

Spendthrift - negative saver.

Stained - creatively re-dyed

Steward, Stewardess - flight attendant

Stoned - Chemically inconvenienced.

Stud - suffering from a sex addiction (male)

Stupid - differently-brained

Stupid - intellectually impaired

The Elderly - Senior citizens

Thin - horizontally challenged

Thirsty - osmotically challenged

Tone Deaf - musically delayed

Too old/young - other aged

Too Tall - people of height

Tree-Hugger - environmental activist

Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units

Ugly - aesthetically challenged

Ugly - Cosmetically different.

Ugly - facially challenged

Unemployed - Involuntarily leisured.

Used Books - Recycled Books

Vagrant - Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

Vegetable - noble unconscious hero

Vice President - Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World

Vocal Minority - target equity group

Vomiting - Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices

Waiter, Waitress - food server

War-Monger - Peacekeeper, patriot

Welfare Bum - economically disadvantaged

Whaler - Blubber Lover

White - melanin-impoverished

White American - racially challenged

White Boy - rhythmically challenged

White Trash - caucasian culturally-disadvantaged

Wife - unpaid sex slave

Worst - least best.

Wrong - differently logical.





Politically Correct Terms For Females:

Her breasts will never sag, they will lose their vertical hold.

She does not get drunk, she is accidentally over served or she becomes verbally dyslexic.

She does not get PMS, she becomes hormonally homicidal.

She does not hate sports on TV, she is athletically biased.

She does not have a great butt, she is gluteus to the maximus.

She does not have a hard body, she is anatomically inflexible.

She does not have a killer body, she is terminally attractive.

She does not have big hair, she is overly aerosoled.

She does not have big hooters, her cups runneth over.

She does not have great cleavage or a great rack, her breasts are centrally located.

She does not have sexy lips, she is collagen dependent.

She does not shave her legs, she experiences temporary stubble reduction.

She does not shop too much, she is overly susceptible to marketing ploys.

She does not snore, she is nasally repetitive.

She does not sun bathe, she experiences solar enhancement.

She does not wear too much makeup, she is cosmetically oversaturated.

She does not work out too much, she is an abdominal overachiever.

She does not: Get Drunk, She becomes Verbally Dyslexic

She is not a bad cook, she is microwave compatible.

She is not a bad driver, she is automotively challenged.

She is not A Gossip, She is a Verbal Terminator

She is not a gossip, she is a verbal terminator.

She is not a Perfect 10, she is numerically superior.

She is not cold or frigid, she is thermally incompatible.

She is not easy, she is horizontally accessible.

She is not hooked on soap operas, she is melodramatically fixated.

She is not too skinny, she is skeletally prominent.

She will never gain weight, she will become a metabolic underachiever.

You do not ask her to dance, you request a precoital rhythmic experience.





Politically Correct Terms For Males:

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative

He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed

He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia

He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated

He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy

He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist

You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have a: Introspective pornographic moment

He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged

He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection

He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development

He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations

He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression

You do not: Buy him a drink You initiate an: Alcohol-For-Conversation exchange

He does not: Fart and belch He is: Gastronomically expressive

His jeans are not: Too tight He is: Anatomically under circulated

He is not a: Redneck He is a: Genetically-related American

You do not: Kiss him You become: Facially conjoined

He is not a: Cradle robber He prefers: Generationally differential relationships

He does not get: Falling down drunk He becomes: Accidentally horizontal

He does not: Act like a total jerk He develops a: Case of rectal-cranial inversion

He is not: Short He is: Anatomically compact

He does not have a: Rich daddy He is a: Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion

He does not: Constantly talk about cars He has a: Vehicular addiction

He does not have a: Hot body He is: Physically combustible





Politically Correct Phrases For Students:

No one fails a class any more, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded any more. They merely "hit social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

It's not called gossip any more. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."





Politically Correct Terms For Cat Owners:

My cat does not barf hairballs he is a floor/rug redecorator

My cat does not break things she helps gravity do its job

My cat does not fear dogs they are merely sprint practice tools

My cat does not gobble she eats with alacrity

My cat does not scratch he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator

My cat does not yowl he is singing off-key

My cat is not a "shedding machine" she is a hair relocation stylist

My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile" she enjoys the proximity of food

My cat is not a bed hog he is a mattress appreciator

My cat is not a chatterbox she is advising me on what to do next

My cat is not a dope addict she is catnip appreciative

My cat is not a lap fungus he is bed selective

My cat is not a pest she is attention deprived

My cat is not a ruthless hunter she is a wildlife control expert

My cat is not evil she is badness enhanced

My cat is not fat he is mass enhanced

My cat is not hydrophobic she has an inability to appreciate moisture

My cat is not lazy he is motivationally challenged

My cat is not underfoot she is leading me to my next destination (the food dish!)





'Twas The (Politically Correct)

Night Before Christmas:

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.



Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.



So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!



The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.



Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."



And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.



So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.



And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.



Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.



Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.



No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.



For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.



No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.



So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.



He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.



Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;



Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."



Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to

distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All

follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should

be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays!





Politically Correct Seasons Greetings:

Christmas Thoughts



Please accept with no obligation,

implied or implicit our best wishes for

an environmentally conscious,

socially responsible, low stress,

non-addictive, gender neutral,

celebration of the winter solstice

holiday, practiced within the most

enjoyable traditions of the religious

persuasion of your choice, or secular

practices of your choice, with respect

for the religious/secular persuasions

and/or traditions of others, or their

choice not to practice religious or

secular traditions at all ...



and a fiscally successful,

personally fulfilling, and medically

uncomplicated recognition of the onset

of the generally accepted calendar

year _______, but not without due respect

for the calendars of choice of other

cultures whose contributions to

society have helped make America great,

(not to imply that America is necessarily

greater than any other country or is

the only "AMERICA" in the western

hemisphere), and without regard to the

race, creed, color, age, physical ability,

religious faith, choice of computer platform,

or sexual preference of the wishee.



- DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTABILITY -



(By accepting this greeting,

you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to

clarification or withdrawal. It is freely

transferable with no alteration to the

original greeting. It implies no

promise by the wisher to actually

implement any of the wishes for

her/himself or others, and is

void where prohibited by law, and is

revocable at the sole discretion of

the wisher. This wish is warranted

to perform as expected within the

usual application of good tidings

for a period of one year, or until the

issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,

whichever comes first, and warranty is

limited to replacement of this wish

or issuance of a new wish at the

sole discretion of the wisher.)

 

Thursday, August 10, 2006

choccies

A big thank you to T&P for the lovley box of choccies they brought me yesterday ,they have to be cooled in the fridge before eating as chilling them makes their flavour enhanced

Well the boys had a wonderful time with Sid's bird Sid and the earth angels wish i could have gone with them oh well another time maybe tazzy was quite taken with Guiness

thank you boys for cheering me up, and a special thank you to piggy for sorting the computers out ...........hangs head in shame .........all those viruses!!! but at least they were not as bad as tazzy's haa haa was it a  1000????????
 
i am off work at the mo not too well ended up in hospital on sunday night grrrrr but at least i came home later in the evening , i am suffering from exhaustion and depression so if i don't put many posts on its just coz i can't think of anything cheerful, and i don't want to depress everyone else !!! i have been given some happy pills by my
 doc and have to go back to see her on tuesday next week,just to have a check up
the worst thing is the tiredness i get worn out just going upstairs grrr, i can't sleep either which is driving me nutz was after 3 am this morn when i finally got some sleep
then woke at 5 ......whats that all about???

Anyway(piggys fave word) i have been bullied into resting and bullied into eating by tazzy and piggy and my baby  bless her she has been wonderful i sure did scare her on sunday night tut and why didnt i get hunky paramedics and ambulance men??? 
mind i sure as helll didnt look my best so porbably would have scared them !!!!

right thats it for now time to rest again grrrrrrrr im going nutz here
bye for now take care stay safe

xxxx

Sunday, August 06, 2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAZZY


Happy Birthday Tazzy
yipeee its here at last your special day, my self and my baby hope you have a wonderful day eat drink and be merry (just don't throw up on Sid's birds carpets)

I know what you are getting as a surprise .......your gonna love it !!!!

lots of love and hugs xxxx
 

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Mall MONSTER

ok you asked for the MALL MONSTER here is a small pic of me and the monster taken last october they had a fun day for halloween