jokes

hi thought i would post some jokes today ......enjoy

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suitDave: I reckon he's an accountant.Stuart: No way - he's a stockbroker.Dave: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ......Dave: 'Scuse me. . no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.Dave: Oh! What's that then?Suit: I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?Dave: Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?Dave: It's in a pond!Suit: Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?Dave: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?Dave: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?Dave: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?Dave: Yep! Five times a week!Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?Dave: Do what? Not me mate!Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!Dave: How's that then?Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!Dave: I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.Stuart: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?Dave: Yep! He's a logical scientist!Stuart: What's that then?Dave: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?Stuart: Nope.Dave: Well then, you're a wanker.


A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took offdown the road, pushed it up to 160 km/hr and was enjoying the wind blowing through his hair."This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said,
"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
>

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending afriend>over to look at a horse.>Sam asks "How will I recognize him?">"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment.">So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or >female horse. "A female hoarth.">So he shows him a prized filly.>"Nith lookin hoarth. Can I thee her eyeth"?>Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.>"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?>So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.>"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?>The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he pickshimup>again and shows him the horse's mouth.>"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?>Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms andrams>the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him outand>slams him to the ground.>The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I shouldrephrathe>that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"