jokes

hi thought i would post some jokes today ......enjoy

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suitDave: I reckon he's an accountant.Stuart: No way - he's a stockbroker.Dave: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ......Dave: 'Scuse me. . no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.Dave: Oh! What's that then?Suit: I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?Dave: Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?Dave: It's in a pond!Suit: Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?Dave: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?Dave: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?Dave: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?Dave: Yep! Five times a week!Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?Dave: Do what? Not me mate!Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!Dave: How's that then?Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!Dave: I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.Stuart: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?Dave: Yep! He's a logical scientist!Stuart: What's that then?Dave: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?Stuart: Nope.Dave: Well then, you're a wanker.


A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took offdown the road, pushed it up to 160 km/hr and was enjoying the wind blowing through his hair."This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said,
"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
>

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending afriend>over to look at a horse.>Sam asks "How will I recognize him?">"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment.">So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or >female horse. "A female hoarth.">So he shows him a prized filly.>"Nith lookin hoarth. Can I thee her eyeth"?>Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.>"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?>So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.>"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?>The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he pickshimup>again and shows him the horse's mouth.>"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?>Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms andrams>the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him outand>slams him to the ground.>The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I shouldrephrathe>that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

recovered

Hi all
hope you have had a good weekend, well i would just like to say thank you very much for all your kind birthday wishes.
We had a great night Friday night, i expect you have all seen the pics on our fave poofs web site,
we all felt slightly hungover and tired on saturday but we managed to get through the day at work!!

Well done Barnsley FC the match went to penalties and they won (i don't support them i am being kind)
What a lovely bank holiday Monday it has been ffffffrrreeeeezzzziiiinnnnggggg cold and some heavy showers tut typical i be it will be lovely tomorrow when we are all back at work.

Minger of the Week

Good morning world

Here is the minger of the week,

ok so who thinks this looks attractive??

eviction night on BB tonight and i will miss it

sighhhhh

have a good weekend

i am off celebrating my birthday yipeeee

take care have fun be good

helen xxx

yipeeeee he's gone

Yessssss Shabaz has left the Big Brother House.
after having suffered him for 5 long days he has finally gone did he walk or was he pushed??

I don't really care i am just pleased the scottish idiot puff has gone (no disrespect to you piggy)
soooo who will be next?

bless them

phewwww well what can i say i have really enjoyed tonight

our fave poofs have had me and coco in stitches ....well coco has had us in stitches too!!!

i just hope this hostess didnt let the boys down with the nibbles i did enough food for 10 people haaa haa

piggy enjoyed the thorntons choccies and my jelly babies
tazzy enjoyed the wine

thank you boys for a great night and the bottle of vino

oh and before piggy gets his say my house was clean and i had the chystal glasses out and my best tableware(denby pottery only in this house)

oh and no doubt they will say something about the girlie bathroom .....yes it is bright pink!!!
and that is because it is a girlie house only ....NO MEN ALLOWED

thanks boys had a great night come back soon your always welcome here

luvs ya both

xxx

big brother

Yes Big Brother is back and already there are some diva's in the house!!!

Nikki threw a stez last night .....she had a migraine and wanted 'bottled water...i need bottled water they won't give me bottled water i can't drink tap water' geez give her a slap!!! not only is she unhappy becauce she cannot have bottled water she whined because Big Brother has still got her suit case .......vote to get rid of Nkki

Oh and then there is Shabaz hmmmmm a drama queen if ever there was one ....a scottish muslim gay boy over the top and well past his sell by date !!!

Soooo who should go first ......this will be a tuff one!!!

For those of you who have never seen Big Brother here is the official web site take a look at the clips of the day oh my god haa haa http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/index.jsp

Poor Ireland, Sid they didn't win the eurotrash song contest awwww.........such a shame

Yipeeee the sun is shining this morning the 1st time in days, has summer returned ?

happy birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Well it is 30 years exactly since i gave birth to my eldest daughter, i myself was exactly one week away from my 19th birthday.

The day started off with me going into labour at 5 ish in the morning, dashed to the hospital had the 3 s's yes ladies you know what they are lol,took me down to the delivery suite and sent my husband off to work (no men allowed in the delivery suite in those days)
it was a lovely sunny spring May morning and there i was scared to death with a terrifying midwife telling me 'to use the gas and air dear when you get a pain' .......a pain???? that was an understatement if ever i heard one.

Gawd it was horrendous i wanted every pain killer that was available, hmmmmmm pethidine is good makes you feel like your floating!!! anyway(piggy's fave word) i was there for what seemed like days but it was only hours 'come on dear you can do it big push next time ' grrrrrr bluddy woman i wanted to kill her
So i continued on having the pains giving a push ......then BANG an enormous roll of thunder geeez i nearly fell off the bed with fright

Well the fright seemed to do my little sprog the world of good she decided to come into the world about 10 minutes later, screaming and kicking all pink and wrinkly..... there she was my first beautiful daughter, so i would just like to wish my beautiful daughter
A very very happy 30th birthday today

Oh and by the way i will relate the births of my other two beautiful daughters on their respective birthdays

minger of the week

Well it is that time again 'Minger of the week'

this guy could use a good waxing session a hairy chest is nice but this is just tooooo much !!!

Still awaiting piggy and tazzy's new look on thier blog hope it is worth the wait!!!

I have had a few days off work this week found lots to do around the house but the weather has been the usual ......wind and rain so the gardening has not got done grrrrr

have a good weekend

chill drink laugh and have fun

helen xx

I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle Autumn's rain.
When you waken in the morning's hush;
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight;
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there,
I did not die.

In loving memory of my dear friend who passed away on sunday from cancer aged 49
may she rest in peace

oh what a night !!!!

hi all
yes i am home safe and sound tired out but had a good time with my date

went out for a few drinks then had a chinese take away .........ordered a meal for 2 it could have fed 6, i am begining to think that there is some kind of plot going on everyone is trying to fatten me up. got to bed about 3am this morn just sat for hours chatting and having a laugh
anyway(piggy's fave word) got a cuppa in bed this morning awwww how sweet went out for lunch (another massive plateful) then went for cupple drinks then had to endure cricket and golf on the telly!!!grrrr i ask you it's like watching paint dry haa haa

had a brill time can't wait for the next date

luv helen xx

yipeeee it is saturday

good morning world
day off tomorrow yipeeeee
got a date tonight and no piggy i won't tell you where and time........your not following me and having a night of laughing at my expense!!!
bless our dear piggy called at work to see superhero and he paid me a huge compliment .......yes he said i looked nice!!!
i thought i always looked nice oh well maybe i need the make over haa haa
right better get me ass in gear now and get ready for work must get the lipstick powder and paint on
have a good day
byeeeeeeee

helenxxx

minger of the week

well Friday is here once again this week has flown by

as tazzy and piggy have fluffy friday i thought i would do a minger of the week

if you have any minger pics please feel free to contact me and then we can post them

so here goes found this one on www.minger.com wow there are some great ones there

and no i havent put my pic on haa haa!!!

hope you all have a happy relaxing fun weekend

luv helen xx

oh dear looks like tazzy and piggy have raided work and have been playing with all the
make- up .......if you want some advice and a proper make-over you only have to ask

oh well boys will be boys ......shame they don't like meccano so much easier to play with than make-up

oh happy days!!!

Helen is not a happy bunny today

pass me the biggest glass of wine you can find i need to drown my sorrows

http://www.flashfunpages.com/farts.htm

oh this sooo reminds me of our dearest piggy he can fart for england ...yuk http://www.flashfunpages.com/knockers.html oh and this one is for the men look at this i am sure you will love it!!!

helen xx

http://flashfunpages.com/goodmorning.html

just a little something to wake you up!!!errr turn your sound up on this

helen xx

what a lousey day, it has rained none stop all day, bored to tears here soooo i have been looking around the wonderful web, for those of you who use messenger i have found some freebies and addons there are lots of icons and winks to download so this is the link hope it works!!!http://www.funwithmsn.com/ i have also been sent this site some good silly things here as well....http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/fun_dearpenis.htm

I am having problems with my disc clean up it won't work has anyone any ideas why?

Answers on a postcard only please haa haa

oh and piggy dearest if i give you 3 months wages how the hell am i supposed to live and feed my daughter and doggy?? one works for the company one does not own it!!

anyway (piggys fave word) going to make something to eat ........as i was told last night that i am far to thin and need to eat more .......yawn how many times have i heard that over the last few months

bye for now xxx

cannot think who this reminds me off

in reverse order yuk what is he doing with his head in the loo........what have we lost or are we thirsty???
awww so cute reading playboy while having a????? and whats in that bottle???

anyway(fave word) think this one says it all!!!!!

happy sunday all......... bluddy raining here looks like a boring day

hi thank you piggy and tazzy for my blog even though you are in control tut not fair!!

well this pic is me taken at my daughters 18th birthday in feb we had a great night in an italian food place then went onto dance the night away.

oh piggy have you tried those products i gave you today?

your face might not look soooo dry and flaky and it might even make you look just a tad younger!!

well fingers crossed for you ,cannot make a silk purse out of sows ears haa haa

take care all

love helen xxx

I like this

 Its easy

Ooooooh ello!

 Well, fuk me, ive gorn and got meself a blog si i suppose i should tell you summat about meself.

in the real world my names 'helen'.  im almost half a century old, have 26 kids and 11 boyfriends.

i enjoy kentucky fried chicken, shaggin, chewing my toenails and the smell of dog-shit.